While in church on Sunday God began pulling back layers of pain. He began speaking to me about forgiveness; really tough forgiveness. It all started when I asked God one questions: how come ‘sally’ was operating in a gift that I never seem to be able to access? Then I quickly realized exactly where I was blocked spiritually. Tears started streaming down my face as I heard the words: “forgiveness is for you, but it also allows another to heal.” I know I have something holding me back, but haven’t wanted /don’t know how to face it AT ALL! Tears fell hot on my face as I realized what God was asking me to do – forgive the unforgivable…let go of my pain + release forgiveness to one person I truly don’t even allow myself to think about. I honestly don’t even want to begin to open that door + venture down that path because I’m scared of what it’ll bring up; pain, hurt, anger, I really don’t know! I don’t know how it’s humanly possible to just let go, and as I type this, God’s showing me it isn’t. It’s only through supernatural grace + love that this can occur. Since God brought it up to me, I know He’s asking me to walk through the fire, forgive, and finally release what I’ve been carrying. In turn, wholeness of life + spirit is mine. He’s asking me to move on.
As He was showing me this I told Him I don’t know how to do so…it feels too big + as though I’m entitled to remember, because it was such a big event in my life, and I still feel the pain from time to time. It happened. …It feels like if I forgive, then other’s will forget it happened, and I would be left alone still feeling hurt in my heart; see letting go feels scary. Holding on feels like a safety net in some weird weird way…does this make any sense?! It’s like my pain needs validated or something.
Oooh man…All that to say I have work to do + I’m scared + don’t want to do it at all. Dang, my heart literally feels like its sinking deep within me because it’s heavy + hurts. Oh Father, I want to be whole + fully alive individually, and also as a family…but I just want to skip this step! I don’t know how to fully mean the words. I don’t feel ready. I think nothing good of this person + I don’t want to give it the time of day. Help me through this. This is hard, but I want to be the best me, and fully alive; so please guide me through this, Father! I trust Your leading + timing.