Fresh Fire

Today I brushed past a person while shopping. It was a quick and seemingly painless exchange, we simply walked past one another. This momentary 30 second exchange felt like 5 minutes. So many thoughts. So many feelings immediately flooded my system. I had a strong, deep reaction. The need to call someone. My mind raced. My system was overwhelmed instantly. I immediately asked God to take all the feelings I felt flooded with. They were uninvited, and I felt totally bombarded + ill prepared. Lord, absorb them. I do not want to harbor. I do not want to hate. Its not my place. Hate is such a waste of energy.

Pain. Offense. It sucks. It hurts. It burns. It’s hard to shake. It can over take you, easily. It can make you bitter. It can grip so tightly; strangling and taking one captive. This is what I’ve never wanted. This is what I want for none. While walking through painful circumstances, I always ask God to take me through the fire and give me His eyes for the situation. When I feel my pain, I can be narrow focused because I hurt. Now, I know its ok to feel; we are human, and feelings are valid. But, when God’s shows me His perspective, I see a bigger picture that shows me so many more factors and allows me to understand, and love so much more than I ever could on my own. I love His eyes! They’re beautiful and see things I could never see from my small vantage point. He’s so cool.

Unfortunately the pit in my stomach stuck with me the entire rest of the day- hence me writing this now. Writing is so very therapeutic for me its been a life-saver + release for my brain! I will forever be indebted to my sweet friend who spurred me on to journal my thoughts. I owe you everything, because journaling has been huge in sorting out my thoughts + keeping my sanity intact! Anyway, I felt bad for myself for a bit- definitely playing the victim as I felt entirely wronged. Wow, such a dangerous game btw! If I have any advice, it would be to never accept the lot of victim. Yes, sometimes we are taken advantage of, but every situation provides the option of growth. Take that option. Become better. You + everyone around you will thank you for that in the future! Challenges can produce the most beautiful character traits in people. its wonderful. See, my mind always goes down rabbit trails. I call my mind a spider web- all thoughts connect but it sure can be a tangly mess! Back to the feelings sticking with me all day-

Yeah, after chewing on this + praying a bit I realized this encounter today was something of a beautiful blessing! Let me explain. Over the last few weeks while trying to outline this blog, I began to feel silly about creating a ‘marriage blog’! Who am I to talk about marriage?! There have been a few nervous thoughts that keep creeping in: 1. what am I ever going to write here? 2. Our story doesnt feel that special, this is silly. 3. People are going to think I’m trying to get attention. I realized I had begun to lose sight of the mission God gave me to talk about my life, be vulnerable, bring people in, and document everything. Ha, the enemy can by so sneaky! Sometimes, he sounds just like the thoughts in my head!

This quick exchange today reminded me of such a painful, raw, real, hopeful, faith filled, and crazy season of my life. It reminded me of all the hurt, of the long days alone + sleepless nights. It reminded me of a deteriorating body, health issues, stress, heartache, holidays alone. It reminded me of watching my husband pack to leave our family we had created together. It reminded me of receiving divorce papers. It also reminded me of the Holy Spirit, a faithful Father, nights surrounded by friends + family in prayer! It reminded me of prophecy, all the dreams + visions God has given me about our family. It reminded me of restored friendships, passions, learning to truly praise, worship, true desperation, hope, support, and the call God placed on my life. It reminded me of my husband showing up at my house unannounced and us beginning a new relationship together! It reminded me of the day I got to call my lawyer and tell him I’d no longer be needing his services. It reminded me of my husband’s baptism, and his encounter with the Holy Spirit! It reminded me of our recommitment ceremony. It reminded me of the huge way God’s redeemed our life together! How much we’ve both learned, and the new passions we have so deeply instilled in our hearts! Our marriage is to be an example of His love + desire to redeem each and every one of us! It reminded me that I know who I am. That I will be faithful to His call to create this blog in hopes that maybe just one reads something that gives hope that there is more to come. God is in the business of reconciliation. I know it, because he’s totally redeemed my life.

 

Ha, blessings can come in all shapes, sizes, and can sometimes be painful. But, its a blessing none the less! So, thank you for the fresh fight. Thank you for re-igniting my passion for purity, love, second chances, restoration, transformations, and my love of the Holy Spirit.

 

 

Victory.

 

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